Open letter to the McCourts: Continue to Disregard Previous Open Letter

Okay, so Ned Colletti can remain a part of the Dodgers family. Sorry Ned. The Dodgers have a tremendous record this year. It's like therapy for all the unnecessary anxiety I have put myself through being a Dodgers fan. Just because they never put it all together in the last two decades doesn't mean that I have to bite a belt every time they leave the bases loaded.

So I might as well enjoy the great record and the fact that we have young players who we have actually allowed to come to their prime as Dodgers (all the best, Paul Konerko and Pedro Martinez). This is one of those funny cases of cutting the budget being a good thing. The Dodgers picked up some great veterans last year - shalom Brad Ausmus! - and this year they are perfectly willing and able to platoon players who are playing sub-par - shalom Juan Castro! Plus, they no longer like losing streaks!

And I have to give my respect to Jonathan Broxton, who I believe is officially the new scariest pitcher in baseball (now that Randy Johnson has become old school). I am glad Vinny has gotten a chance to announce this season. It's a nice reward to him for all the games he spent avoiding saying that Dodgers were playing like crap over the years.

Birthday Sex should be renamed

The song 'Birthday Sex' is sure great. Not only does it contain a subtle critique of standard sex ("we're changing positions," singer Jeremih cleverly suggests) but it contains an elegant product placement for Mo-easy, which I assume is a new alcoholic drink with the date rape drug already in it.

Wait, internet research shows that this is just a street-savvy way of referring to Moet, which is obviously a shout out to LVMH (Louis Vuitton, Moet and Hennessy - the urban music trifecta), which has officially gotten hip hop more ass at this point than both drug money and the false offer of instant celebrity. Way to go on the milestone LVMH!

I mean, let's face it, you only have one birthday a year, so the song is really about a once a year booty call (or multiple if you have a hard time holding onto a sex partner). So once that birthday rolls around, then its like "just 364 days to go before this song gets me some again! Wait, is it a leap year?"

I mean couldn't you call it something like "Payday Sex," "Bill Pay Sex" or "Semi-Annual Checkup Sex"? At least then you would get more chances to have celebration sex. You know "Celebration Sex" wouldn't be a bad name except the syllables in that title would make it really hard for T-Paine to synthesize Jeremih singing it. Not sure he can squeeze in an extra two syllables and still sound like a robot. "Celebration Sex" is nice because then you could do a little retro sample of "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang. And, you could justify sex at any time, since "there's a party going on right here/A celebration to last throughout the year."

Now I know what the people behind this song are saying: We are making boatloads of money on this song, so shut up, you effete over-educated schlamil! But to them I say: I don't want to have to get a new sex partner every time I want that song to work, and I don't want to be distracted from sex by the thought of my facebook birthday reminder email. But that's just me, I'm sure.